Hey everyone, I’m very new here and very nervous about everything…
I have cleaners in doing some deep cleaning in my house… I’ve got a really old dog, 17 years this year, and I love him to bits…
Trouble is he can’t always hold things in long enough to get outside before he lets go of it… I’m disabled and use oxygen so it’s something that I needed to have done.
I’m really nervous about anyone that I don’t know coming in and moving stuff around etc
My daughter who’s 21 hasn’t helped me clean her room so they have gone in to face dirty clothes, crusty underwear and sanitary pads all over the place…
The sight made me feel sick 
so God knows what they must have thought…
I haven’t been sleeping for the past month at least. Well, I mean, I haven’t been sleeping enough, my mind just won’t stop thinking about things,.I don’t know what things though, I worry about my daughter as she has mental health problems that nobody is able to help her with…
My poor dog has just wet his cushions in his cage and I can’t let him out to change them as the cleaners are still here and he doesn’t cope very well with people he doesn’t know…
I feel so awful leaving him like this, but I am going to buy him a nice new cushion and cover to make him feel loved and let him know that I do love him, do you think he knows how much he means to me.?
I don’t think I could live without him… he is the one who keeps me going, and makes everything better, he is my furbaby, Boo-boo, 
I love you more than anything else, please 
don’t ever leave me…I can’t live without you,…
I know that it’s just because I am overwhelmed and exhausted at the moment, but I don’t know how to make my house look tidy and nice anymore. It’s like I did it for so many years, and my daughter wouldn’t help, but she wrecked everything nice that I did, now that I can’t do anything like I used to, I’m left to go sit in broken dreams of how I had made it lovely once before… even now I don’t know what I’m saying, just writing words that don’t make sense to anyone…I’m just a useless waste of space, I shouldn’t even be here taking up time and making a big fuss about life and how useless I feel…I’m sorry, I couldn’t be strong enough this time…
Hello @Mikaiya14 ,
Welcome to the treehouse.
It sounds like you have a lot of challenges going on at the moment and while we can’t offer to help with most you mentioned, you will find this community a friendly bunch where everyone is welcome to take up space.
We hope that you will enjoy the sofi experience and getting to know the herbs that we are working with. It is our hope that everyone in the Pioneer community will find a herb that helps to reduce their anxiety and give them a better quality of sleep.
It sounds as if you’re going through a really tough time right now. Your dog sounds lovely - how old is he? I’m sure your cleaners will not judge you, they are there to help clean and nothing more. Have you spoken to your daughter about her room? You say she has mental health problems too and I wonder if that has had a knock on effect. Do you have any support from family or friends around you?
Hello, thank you so much for your reply, my beautiful old dog is 17 years old this year. I have spoken to my daughter several times, and she has come to stay with me while the cleaning team came back on Monday so we can support each other. She is borderline schizophrenic, with psychotic tendencies. She has night terrors, and halucinations… she has spent the last 9 years being moved around from one place to another as they can’t seem to find any one place that is able to help with her particular needs. It’s not possible for us to live together anymore and it would be damaging to both of us if we were to attempt it.
My family don’t live near me and I don’t really have any friends either. I have severe trust issues and find it too hard to allow anyone in anymore.
It sounds as though your daughter has a lot to cope with, that must be so tough for her; it must be difficult and unsettling when she cannot call one place her home. It must make you feel so helpless not being able to help her as well as yourself.
Sorry to hear that you don’t have any support around you. You mentioned that you find it difficult to trust others; did something happen in the past to cause this?
Yes, I had a really bad time at school and friends betrayed me and turned against me when I needed them most. My family too, they told me more or less to get on with it…
I ended up being sent to a psychiatric unit for teenage kids… where I also got picked on… I tried to talk with the staff there and got beaten up at times when I was alone… nowhere was safe and I then went from one violent relationship to another trying to find love but not realising that it was not what I found…
I’m so sorry that you had to go through such terrible experiences growing up. It must have been incredibly difficult to go through everything that you have without the support of family and friends. I think when we experience such trauma, we can end up (inadvertently) seeking it in relationships. Have you ever thought about some form of therapy? It sounds as if it would benefit you greatly; to help heal the trauma so that you may (hopefully) begin to trust others again and have a better sense of hope. I really recommend calling the Samaritans too if you don’t already. They’re there 24/7 and are totally confidential.
I have been through all sorts of therapy and I was supposed to have started having deep trauma therapy, but then we went into lockdown.
After the world came out of hiding, they said that the building that the meetings were going to be held was no longer suitable , as it had no facilities for observing the distance rules. Then the person who was going to be doing the therapy went off on maternity leave.
They assigned me with a guy who I felt comfortable with and I was getting a phone call every 2 weeks. Things were going quite well until I had some trouble with my phone and couldn’t receive any calls.
I tried calling them and leaving voicemail message but had no response, I even called the reception and left messages explaining the situation and heard nothing…
After a month I managed to get through and talk to him. He said that he had written to me and told me that I had been discharged as I hadn’t kept my appointment…I didn’t receive any letters from him and explained this and also that I had been without any phone and had left a message with reception about it…
He agreed to call me every 3 weeks again. Everything was going well until he had time off for holiday…
On his return I somehow got put in the discharged files and the whole thing started again…I’m now not having any calls or support from anywhere or anyone, hence why I am searching for ways to treat myself, I read books by the dozen on all kinds of therapy and natural medication and although I don’t have any qualifications in this field, I feel that I am at least making an effort to help myself to recover from my past traumatic events… it’s not easy, but I’ve been let down in a big way by the medical profession, and this is where I am now…
Hi @Mikaiya14 ,
Thanks for sharing your situation. You’ve been on quite a journey - sorry to hear that it has been hard for you.
Glad that you are managing to learn about your situation and taking steps to understand things that may help you.
We hope that you will benefit from being part of sofi!
Hi, having just read your comment I just wanted you to know that everything will be ok. You are obviously in a difficult situation right now and you just don’t know what to do for the best. Im sure those cleaners have seen it all before and they will just do what they are their for. Just concentrate on yourself and try and get back on track. Animals are very good at sensing how a person is and from the way you talk about your dog its obvious that you love him deeply. He knows exactly how you feel about him and he knows you love him dearly. Give your daughter time to take in what the strangers are there for. Just remember that her room is her private , safe place. Hopefully when she sees her room nice and tidy she will make the effort to keep it that way. I wish you all well and it would be nice if you could give us a little update when you feel up to it.